LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
