If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize