I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
