I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
