Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
