sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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