i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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