There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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