she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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