Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I cut my penus on the lid.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
