So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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