Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
