wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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