When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
