No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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