You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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