sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
