Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
