barbara walters just said penis...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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