I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I smell stomach acid.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
