Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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