I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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