I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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