fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
