she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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