So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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