were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
