Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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