i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My vagina just recognized that song.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
