I want to have your abortion
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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