I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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