Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
