I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
