I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
