Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
