I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive