I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
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