There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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