This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
