we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
