i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
