Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
