I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
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The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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