Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
