I need to stop coming to work sober
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
