ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
