A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
