You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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