just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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