i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
