yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
