I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
This is the high leading the old right now
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
