Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
