Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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