Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize