I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i will never coherently bang her
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
