he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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